Several years ago I decided to transition back into the world of private employment, confidant in the value of my experience over the past 15 years.

I was very fortunate to have a loving support structure of educated and successful people who confirmed- with no hesitation- that it was time to re-enter school and establish myself in academia.

My plan was simple; with the trimmings of complete naiveté.  I would achieve cherished fantasy-fulfillment, forever changed and delighted.  My educational pursuit had taken its’ appropriate form- I was going to get, in short, a pony.  That this was my plan, and of the level of sophistication it represented, I was happily unaware.  Where the pony was to eat, or live, or how it would get fed, housed, or cared for, were questions for the jaded world of adults, represented in this case by the aforementioned support structure who, as in the case of all pony-dreamers, understood nothing.

Having done some PhD door knocking back at Cal, I was unaware of the almost complete lack of product-knowledge of that which I so strongly desired.  I liked the title, the idea of it, but had little understanding of higher education beyond the status and prestige of title.  All I saw was my want, my need, to be recognized.

The people I have met at U.C. Berkeley who have/are working towards their PhD’s do so because there are questions that need answering, questions they, as people, need to answer, need to be in the answering of, as a matter of purpose and life-choice.  Who they are is what they want to know, and their choice to pursue the goal of “PhD” is the choice of pursuing a body of knowledge with the understanding that they, in some capacity, will improve it, deepen it, mine it, and leave a contribution.  In a public setting such as Berkeley, which represents in real capacity a portion of the work and life-energy of millions of people, publicly-funded research is a gift to Society, a legacy for all to benefit.  Questions began to form as my understanding deepened.

Do I have the capability to participate in a capacity that will benefit the Department, the School, Society, and myself.

Do I see a body of work, and an engaged group of thinkers, who would benefit from my interests, to whom my presence would make a key contribution, while I was pursuing my own research.

How can I participate in the existing mission and research of a given Department, and what makes my focus a unique and valuable contribution, a legacy worth pursuing for all involved.

I don’t need a PhD.  I don’t need to be at ________ University.  What I do need, and of this I am clear, is to put the fullness of my time and attention on my particular set of questions, to be in an environment that will support and mentor me while I grow.  I do respect the underpinnings of my initial return to school, and in that regard, yes, I do require degrees, certifications, credential, and opportunities to teach, work, and sustain myself for the future of my life.

I feel solid about this growing version of “I want a PhD”.  It is grounded in knowledge and self-evaluation, with a growing understanding of purpose, and the beginnings of long-term academic goals. Can I make a definitive contribution, however small it may be? Can I play my part and make an offering? Can I be of use to education and to others?

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